You surely know exactly what I'm talking about - the feeling that whilst we wouldn't touch them again with a bargepole, if we do accidentally bump into our previous boyfriend / girlfriend / jumped up idiot / cringe-worthy mistake, we'll be looking perfect and glamorous and they'll realise what a mistake they've made! It's definitely a derivative of hurt pride and one which will last an unspecified amount of time according to variables like how long you dated, whether you still see them, whether you've bumped into them yet and ultimately how bad / humiliating the break up was!
Why am I rambling on about this I hear you ask? Well over the weekend, out of the woodwork comes a Facebook invitation to be 'friends' with my ex boyfriend. Initially, I hovered over the button to view his profile, trying to resist the temptation to stalk through its content and find out what he's up to these days. Next came the momentary panic that there's something on my profile that makes me look less than a 10/10 or reaffirms I'm the biggest mistake he ever made, and then came this overwhelming moment of clarity - why on earth did I care?
D is my most 'recent' break-up i.e. the serious one before my current relationship with T. D was my first crush at the age of 11, who made me blush like a tomato and giggle so much in the queue at the cinema that I nearly wet myself! We met again at 16 and had a short 'romance' before he went crawling back to his long-term ex girlfriend (alarm bells here people) and then met again randomly at Uni when I was 20. For the first time ever, I felt there was a real chance for us - he was still a fitty, just my type, he made me laugh, spoiled me rotten and most importantly didn't run a mile at my personality. We saw each other nearly every weekend and then when I finished Uni, saw each other several times a week when I was back home in the same town. Just over six months in, everything seemed perfect and to top everything off, I went to pick up my new puppy from The Dog's Trust - I was on top of the world. 'Text me when you are home' D said 'and I'll come and meet her'; so I did. 'I'm on my way he said, can't wait to see you.' Twenty minutes later, he still hadn't arrived (he lived five minutes away) and then I remember word-perfectly the text that arrived to say 'I can't do this anymore; I'm sorry.' That was it - no explanation, no answer to my text messages and rather a dampener placed on my new puppy day! I was gutted!
A month later, D text again 'I'm sorry' he said, 'I owe you an explanation'.' Don't bother' I replied, 'I'm over it!' Bravo me I thought - cue no more contact ever!
Eight months on and I started to lose my hair (it's worth noting here, these two points aren't connected) and a month after that I met T. T has supported me through everything, and even waited patiently after I told him 'we'll never work'. We've been together nearly four years, own a house together and have a very happy, very real relationship together. My hairloss doesn't worry him, and we've even reached the stage where he rubs my bald head 'for luck' the cheeky sod!
Back to the Facebook request and whilst I'm pretty please with my moment of 'I don't care clarity', I can't help but wonder how D, or for that matter anyone else from my past would react to the news of my hairloss. Thanks to support from friends, family and Alopecia UK, I've come to terms with my hairloss being a part of me, and I'd even go as far as saying I'm proud of my new luck; yet, even though this is true, there's still a small part of me that wonders how I'd be judged and whether I'd still make them question why they didn't keep a hold of me tightly, with both hands!
It's safe to say I'll never know and ultimately I'm OK with that, and I should probably also mention, I didn't accept the request either - D can crawl back where he came from and I can go on happy that none of it actually matters!
Victoria x
www.prettybald.co.uk Twitter: @PrettyBald
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