Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Should it stay or should it go...

One of the things about hairloss is just how attached you can become to the remaining hairs - like they are akin to the 90's Tamagotchi's, being tenderly loved and cared for in a bid they will grow big and strong! As you might have read about my own journey, it was relatively slow and certainly a lot slower than many people I meet. Along the way, my hair thinned and I was left with a patch at the crown and two 'fringe' pieces that gave me an unfortunate look of having 'curtains'. Never before has hair been so lovingly tended, carefully shampoo'd and conditioned; teased and tamed ever so gently!

No, I was not having a love affair with my locks; I was merely desperate for my hair loss to stop and reverse and for my own hair to be back how it 'should' be - glossy, long and carefree. At the time, those remaining tendrils looked scruffy and ugly, but they were mine and they were a lifeline back to where I wanted to be.

As you may have read, the love affair did end and I handed my mum a pair of scissors with a vehement assertion to 'cut it off'. I was determined; determined that alopecia wouldn't take my confidence as well as my hair! Rolling forward four years and I'm pleased to say it hasn't. I am still me (and in fact many would argue a better version of me) and I am hairfree and carefree!

What has happened though is I've fallen out of love with having hair and therefore with regrowth. So far, my hair is showing little or no signs of regrowing, but I'm happy with that! Instead, I have gained a peachy fuzz on my head (which I don't expect to become ACTUAL growth) and a few eyebrow hairs too.

This is where it gets tricky..,

I appreciate that most people will see regrowth as a very positive sign; something to be proud of and hopeful of and something which indicates things might be changing for the better. As already highlighted, I don't believe that my regrowth is a positive sign - it's too sporadic and lacking any real gumption to convince me it is actually coming back. Instead, alas, I am left with occasional hairs that do nothing other than irritate me!

Increasingly lately, I have been battling with a desire to remove my current hair growth; to shave my scalp, pluck my eyebrows and wax my toes! Why am I struggling? It's a difficult one; but I am split between a feeling of inconvenience plus a desire to remove the hair, and one where I feel somehow disrespectful, like my body is giving me something back and I'm not grateful, even though I should be! Sounds nuts I know and I am sure many of you are baffled at my reaction, but I can't help myself. On the one hand, the single hair at the end of my eyebrow, which is accompanied by a cluster that would form a nice monobrow, are annoying me. They are isolated, misplaced, obvious because of my dark colouring and frankly irritating. Several times I have grabbed the tweezers, only to fall at the last hurdle as I think of all those who would give anything for signs of regrowth and who would probably be WAAAYYYY more grateful than I am now! It is that which is stopping me, and yet I'm still at a loss of what to do!

I think over the coming days I will probably gain the courage to pluck them - after all, I can't change what is happening and whilst I would willingly hand over those hairs to someone who needs them more, I can't do that either! In the meantime though, I don't mean to sound ungrateful about my current hair regrowth, but it's just not what I was looking for and frankly, I'm a little bored of the uncertainty.

Anyone else struggle with how they 'should' feel and don't? Or struggle with the idea of regrowth now they are more accepting? Or am I just a fruit loop and standing out on a limb on my own?

Victoria x Twitter: @PrettyBald

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